Maybe none of us really understand what we've lived through, or feel we've had enough time.

[swan_bite]

* "bitch" and c*nt (use of star to avoid possible triggers) are positive words to me. which is why, while i agree with the sentiment (Jared shouldn't have to worry about getting sexually harassed at cons) calling the woman who did it a "bitch" does not fly with me. at all. stop calling women who do something you don't approve of skanks and bitches. seriously.

* i've been watching "Community" to get to my happy place and omg, it's the best thing to happen to me since i found out that if you pour nutela in your Coke, the world may sneer at you and call you a teenage boy, but your life will be that much better. i need to find me some icons.

* this is epic ftw. i watched the vid yesterday --wait, was it the day before?-- morning and it made me cry my eyes out + grin like a loon all day. seriously beautiful. it's actually not that surprising to me. i've been called slurs (of the sexual orientation kind) in NYC (home of awesome people and rapist cops). never in the South and i lived in the South for a while and have only visited NY for weeks at a time at various stages in my life (because as i said, home of awesome people). (also ran into some trouble in Paris, which o.O, but there you go. being in a metropolitan area is no guarantee that you're going to be treated like a human being.)

* today must be my unbirthday (THANK YOU SO MUCH cherie_morte AND glassyskies ♥ ♥ NO WORDS, SERIOUSLY, NO WORDS.) :D:D:D:D:D:D


* can't get Cas out of my mind. the way the show ended this season has been very painful for any fan who loves Cas even a little bit, but at the same time i don't know if i would be so heart-broken if Castiel had been treated better. maybe i wouldn't focus on him with this overpowering intensity. listening to "Someone like You" by Adele and what do i think about...?

you know, the thing with being an angel in SPN is that Heaven seems to not really Heaven. other people get their Tuesday afternoons, their roadside bars, their Thanksgiving dinners or their little brothers who look up to them with the light of firecrackers and adoration in their eyes.

in Heaven Angels have their work, the collection of other people's dreams and the knowledge that their Father didn't come home one day (i wonder if God gave an excuse. was He off to pick up some milk, or did he simply slip out of the back door?) and may never come back.

so when Castiel went to look at Dean, raking his leaves, i'm thinking maybe that was his bit of Heaven. a Heaven he will never have, not because he's damned himself, contaminated his grace with the souls of purgatory, but because he's not supposed to. never was. his tragedy was silent and natural, an intrinsic part of himself, like his wings. we're just crying about it now because it's out in the open, we can see.

Comments

COMMUNITY!!!!

[drunkcascookies.livejournal.com]

Yes!! I ♥ "Community" so freaking much it's not even funny. My fav character is Abed (there seems to be a trend forming with characters I get attached to; first Cas then Abed?). Abed and Troy is just made of win no matter what they do, whether they're rapping in Spanish or figuring out a way to ask the same girl out. The paintball eps are epic!

You've just made me depressed that Cas doesn't have his own Heaven in Heaven and instead just steals away in other people's. I'm thinking that in a couple of weeks, the scars will have faded and I'll be able to rewatch the two eps again (then get outraged again and a cycle will be born).

Re: COMMUNITY!!!!

[swan-bite.livejournal.com]

right?!?!?!?! it automatically sends me into a happy zen. :)

Abed is the shit, but i pretty much love all of them for various reasons. they're all super likeable, even when i wanna kick them in the pants.

oh, i haven't watched the epis again, bb. i don't know when i'll be ready to. for a while i thought i couldn't even read fic, but then i read glassyskies "Homing Pigeon," reshaping Misha's desperation (in canon) as "lovesickness" (love unrequited) and i felt a bit healed. you need a heavy dose of fix it fic. <3

Re: COMMUNITY!!!!

[drunkcascookies.livejournal.com]

True. They have the best ensemble cast on TV right now (it used to be "The Office," but the quality has since gone down). All the characters are such fun and just watching them interact with each other is just wonderful.

I've been reading a ton of fix-it!fic. It's the only reason why I'm even pondering watching them again. I think I've grown more rational about it since then (there was this amazing meta post really helped me understand why Dean and Cas would end up this way).

Re: COMMUNITY!!!!

[swan-bite.livejournal.com]

is that the tracy loo hoo (sp?) meta? i've heard it rocks le socks, bb. i may get on that.

i was saving it for when i didn't want to kill people and then i plain got distracted/forgot.

Re: COMMUNITY!!!!

[drunkcascookies.livejournal.com]

No, it was by saucery (URL here: http://saucery.livejournal.com/14078.html). It just made me more rational about the season finale so I'll probably watch S7. Found it on the spnnewsletter comm.

Re: COMMUNITY!!!!

[swan-bite.livejournal.com]

Dean loves (and believes) in Cas as much as a human is capable of loving and believing - but for an angel, love and belief have no end (even Lucifer was still nursing a bizarrely incestuous crush on Big Daddy, after falling). Which is why Dean's eventual failing of Castiel's stupid do-you-love-me-do-you-love-me-now? tests (inevitable, really, given the fact that Castiel's a needy child whose father abandoned him and now sees any instance of dissent as latent/incoming abandonment) hurt him so very, very much. Because he's an idiotic child. Who needs love. And who isn't getting it - didn't get it - at least, not in the way he wanted - in the way he needed.

omg. we love for significant others who will help us resolve our issues with our parents. just ask oprah.

MY CRYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :*(

Re: COMMUNITY!!!!

[drunkcascookies.livejournal.com]

I know!!! Dean confessing that Cas was part of his family and Cas not getting it and Cas saying Dean's not a part of his family and Dean not getting it.... MY CREYS ALL AROUND. This helped me understand Dean's assholery better so that I don't continually yell "DEAN YOU ASSHOLE!" at my screen from now until the end of the series.