The cozy lie.

Let's Pretend the War is Over [Harry/Draco] written by pir8fancier & read by raitala
Author's Dedication: To Draco Malfoy, who, despite being batshit insane, noticed that I needed to say good-bye to my father.

Jensen Inside [Jared/Jensen, R, ALL THE PRETTY WORDS] by glassyskies
Summary: Having it Out with Melancholy


♥ i guess it's kind of funny/odd/o.O that i'd read and love these fics considering that one of my fandom nonos are fics where the characters psychoanalyze each other or talk to each other with mainstream psychology 101 terms. a lot of it has to do with the fact that i don't think dementia can be cured by following a set of predetermined steps, because a process depends on more than following instructions. i also don't like to feel like the diagnosis determines the characters more than the personality of the character determines the character. with a lot of fics that deal with mental illness it often feels like the titillation of dealing with the illness takes precedent over the search for understanding the people who suffer from it-- and idek. i just don't like that. this was not the case with these fics, though, and that's why i love them. they make me wanna read Virginia Woolf's 'Mrs. Dalloway' and her posthumously published letters, which i think is a good sign. o.O

♥ i decided to try the "Let's Pretend The War is Over" audiofic because i'd listened to raitala before and she has a simple voice that is inconspicuous enough not to get in the way of whatever story she's telling. i'd rather listen to an understated reading than overacting, which takes me out of the story faster than you can say William Shatner (i love you, Will!).

♥ it was cool to hear this fic first and then read "Jensen Inside" because --wow-- Draco and Jensen could not be different-er ;D. sure they both suffer from dementia, but one mental state is not like another, and people ain't either. yet there was a certain gorgeous frailty to both of them that spoke to me. it felt like sharing that fic-world was like being dropped inside a snow globe, except that the crystal was so delicate that one brush of the fingertips against the surface of the glass would be enough to crack it.

♥ in "Let's Pretend" Draco has these rules he has to follow in order to stay right on the edge of his (in)sanity and not fall over into the abyss. the issue here is that since he can't really trust himself (his moments of lucidity allow him to realize that he's not all there, there) many of his hallucinations are --in fact-- not hallucinations at all. in Draco's case, he has lost his family, friends, his social standing. the world has forsaken him, become the enemy, and so gradually the loss becomes a palpable thing for him. the world a monster called "The Outside" ready to contaminate him with its nothingness.

♥ in Jensen's case, the dementia comes because of-- nothing at all, apparently. it's like Joker's line in "The Dark Knight" Madness, as you know, is a lot like gravity, all it takes is a little push. Jensen's madness is like this latent seed that pulses inside and is at any moment ready to grow out like creeping ivy. there are rules here also, i guess, but they are much less concrete, much more complex and intricate. Draco is much more adversarial than Jensen is, and so he creates these insanity gods which he simultaneously obeys and plots against. with Jensen it's an insidious silent painful thing that can't be pointed to, obliterated, personified in any way. like the Tao of insanity or something.

“Once upon a time, I, Chuang Chou, dreamt I was a butterfly cockroach, fluttering creeping hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly insect. I was conscious only of my happiness melancholia as a butterfly cockroach, unaware that I was Chou. Soon I awakened, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly cockroach, or whether I am now a butterfly cockroach, dreaming I am a man. Between a man and a butterfly cockroach there is necessarily a distinction. The transition is called the transformation of material things.”
― Zhuangzi (Kafkad by me xP)

♥ in both fics there was a learning curve that their partners had to go through in order to -- dare I say-- help? with Jared it was anger and denial at first. incomprehension and guilt. with Harry it was his natural impetuousness, his blundering desire to fix and save. they learned a lot, though, from the love, from the pain and the heartache. there's a Francesca Lia Block passage that talks about how pain can make you see more or it can blind you, depends on what you do with it. both of these fics show that even when it tries to blind you, there's always second sight.

yeah, okay, so i like hope. suck it. ;D


( quotes )

“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”

Winter Reading List Part I

!!!!!!!!FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!
( recs recs and more recs ahoy! )