swan_bite | i reach out from the inside

* RIP you gorgeous dog. i'm trying not to think about this too much, i can't really process animals dying.

* what i look for in fanfic in general terms. these are generalizations, because --as we all know-- a good writers can seduce us into making plenty of exceptions despite or worst or better judgment.

* in poetic terms what i look for in fanfic:
Sonnet XVII by Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

emotional exhibitionism, the need to Hollywood it up and seek public validation, or validation from certain people, the belief that your love ain't enough until you go to a dinner and have people clap as you tilt and kiss? squicks me quite as much as the squickiest thing you can think of. like a chan scat watersports noncon OOC fic. because it's reality tv masquerading as fanfic. my favorite fanfic authors do not take their inspirations from the Jersey shore or the Kardashians.

* i thought

fleshflutter was coming back. it's taking longer than i expected and i'm not enjoying the wait. i also miss

squishyball. *HOLDS UP A BOOMBOX* *IN YOUR EYES THE LIGHT THE HEAT IN YOUR EYES I AM COMPLETE*

* i totally missed the trenchcoat! how could i miss it? well, i had less than an optimal experience watching the show yesterday. i rudely invited myself to an SPN chatroom with

angel_kink while she was less than inclined to discuss a show she's currently boycotting with me, for obvious fucking reasons, and proceeded to ignore me while talking about Carnivale, which she warned me was "slow but brilliant." i then left having realized the error of my ways, and it kind of shaped my opinion of the episode, which has been somewhat redeemed in my eyes with that day-after perspective one gets after the pounding headache of the hangover has abated. the pretty wincesty gifs in tumblr didn't hurt. who knew that tumblr was going to turn into my source of canon-squee. it's still no more than passable, but it's not poo (as i told

drunkcascookies yesterday).

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lol sorry about the chatroom awkwardness. I'm not necisarily boycotting it, I'm just not very interested in it. Boycotting implies I'm trying to have an impact with my lack of viewership, but since I'm not a Nielson family and I'm not changing my purchasing habits, that's not the case. But yeah... I'm not watching.

But yeah, Carnivale is AMAZING. I definitely recommend it. :)

yeah, i was using it in a colloquial "this is sum bullshit i'm boycotting" way not in an actual, you have some power over the fate of this show and this is a calculated move way. the Nielson thing you've made pretty damned clear in various posts.

cool, maybe i'll try it out.

Oh, Neruda. Girl, you know how to inspire me and ring my bell. Hehe, NEGL, I'm writing this Misha/Jensen fic that WAS kind of inspired by reality TV but only insofar as "huh, I should use London as a location for this story, it will add spice!"

THE TRENCHCOAT WAS THERE?!!! Omg, I missed that, too. MY GOD. Clearly should've been wearing my glasses for this one. Oh Dean, you beautiful mess of a creature. Maybe they both love it and talk to it. Break my heart, show, break my heart.

yeah, Neruda, bb. idk, i'd much rather love be there before it's ever mentioned, because then i feel like the author is not trying to evoke something that doesn't exist yet, but that the characters are ready to say the words or think the words like they are inevitably recognizing what is.

NEGL, I'm writing this Misha/Jensen fic that WAS kind of inspired by reality TV but only insofar as "huh, I should use London as a location for this story, it will add spice!"

hahaha! these are generalizations, because --as we all know-- a good writers can seduce us into making plenty of exceptions despite or worst or better judgment. ;D

it's kind of ridiculous that Dean blames Castiel for his loss of trust, because so many things have happened to him to make him distrust the whole wide world and every sad thing in it, but maybe that's how he holds on to Castiel forever.

Obvs, I buck all generalizations 'cause my words are sexy bitches ;)

YES. I want love to be felt way way WAY before it's said. Because love is scary and you don't just rush right in with I LOVE YOU! (In most cases...) Love builds before it can be articulated, which is what I like to play with.

Mmm-hmm, Dean hasn't been able to trust for a long time. Castiel might be the final nail in that particular coffin, maybe not. But I do think that by pinning something on Castiel, by holding him accountable for some personal hurt, Dean can keep him there, alive, inside himself. Right there with his crooked heart. I kind of mentally referred back to how he lost John and how it screwed him up, how angry it made him.

People trying to save him, making everything worse, and getting lost themselves... all these pretty little dark echoes through his life.

idk, i think it comes from my own fear of thinking that the second the words come out of my mouth, the fear/defensiveness/whatever is so overwhelming it overcomes all the love i feel for the person and the love vanishes into thin air. i'd much rather feel it and feel it and allow it to shape the way my body moves, how my voice sounds, the way i look at the person, than have something as little as the word come btw us or whatevs.

yeah, like, to blame Castiel, never forgive him, resent Castiel forever, beyond the grave, is like Penelope threading her needle, stitch working a pic of Odysseus getting eaten by a hydra, just because she misses him so fucking much and she hates him and she hates that he's put her through this, in this situation where she's all alone rejecting lovers right and left, putting her child in danger, hating, resenting, mistrusting so much easier than losing hope, than mourning. she won't kill him with her mind, so she keeps him alive and well every time she shakes her fist in the air and damns his eyes.

lol i've just genderswapped Dean and turned Castiel into a cunning Greek dude. ;D

I like that. I'm far more careful with I love you in fiction than I am in RL. I said "I love you!" accidentally, two weeks into my first and only relationship. I just cannot keep my mouth shut.

Also, Odysseus <3 <3 <3 Anything that relates Supernatural to the great Greek classics and myths instantly wins a huge place in my heart, so your thoughts are very apt and beautiful.

idk. i think the word "love" means such different things in different contexts. like in fandom it means "you make me feel flaily and fannish and enthusiastic over all the things i feel flaily and fannish and enthusiastic about." like fanartists and fanwriters and other fans feed the fire of your hobby so you love them, specially when there's an affinity to love in the way you love, or in the way you admire other's loving. like, i can't unreservedly squee, but i can admire others unreservedly squeeing because that's an ability i'll never have (again), but wish i did. there's a purity in seeing beauty in everything and seeing good intentions, rather than criticizing and distrusting. it's all about perception, so why the hell not?

but offline love's more about loss and the potential that the love will be used as a weapon or -- idk. have you read the Good Earth? when these parents are cooing over their baby boy and suddenly they look around and are all like, "er, the baby is a girl child!" so that the gods don't become jealous of the baby boy's beauty and health and strength and try to sap it? which is sad, because being a girl child shouldn't have to mean yr worthless and nobody could ever be jealous of you, but you know what i mean. so my love is a girl child, shoo jealous fucking gods, go get yr own goddamned love and leave mine alone.

but yr brave and open and i'm closed and cynical, so it fits that the words would just escape before you could even consider reining them in. ;D

Edited 2011-11-06 21:55 (UTC)

I missed the trenchcoat too! In my head, Dean totally snuggles with the trenchcoat when he's missing Cas a lot.

Yeah, I didn't think it was the best ep, but it was middling. Certainly didn't suck as hard as S6, though. Dear god, some of those eps...

awww, and he cries and smells it and then cries some more when he realizes he dry cleaned because it was wet and he wanted to preserve it and it doesn't smell like Cas anymore.

lol true. i was bored bored bored bored for some of those episodes, and that had never happened to me watching SPN so at first i didn't recognize the feeling.

ROFL yes.

Yeah, I think I would have given up watching 1/2 way through the season if it wasn't for the promise of more Cas, the Edlund eps, the French Mistake, and Frontierland.

i reach out from the inside

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